Archive for May, 2011

We Won One!

May 28, 2011 Leave a comment



We’re So Sorry Uncle Albert

May 25, 2011 Leave a comment


We’re so sorry Uncle Albert, but
we haven’t done a bloody thing all day!
–Paul McCartney

It’s not that I mind all of this rhetoric about how things are supposed to be.

It’s not even that I mind all of those preachy types out there who are convinced that they know exactly what I should be thinking all of the time and, if I am not – no problem – “wizzo”, “wammo” – you are back to how things are supposed to be and taking yet another new medication!

It’s just that for all of this time I have been trying to tell anyone who will listen; exactly what it is that we need to know in order to unravel and understand how all of this thing we call the universe is actually put together.


No bullshit! I had the very startling personal epiphany to prove it! (Actually, I was given this information by someone quite a long time ago and I started thinking recently that I have sat on this stuff for far too long) There are some very good reasons why I have been reluctant to divulge what I have here, as you shall soon see.

Unfortunately, just as I get to the point that maybe, just maybe I might have a decent audience – or at least an audience that will actually listen to me; I start thinking that if this information actually gets out – we are not going to be able to put back the pieces if it is used improperly. And, as all new inventions either scientific or practical almost always are used improperly – not only will we be in a helluva fix, but there won’t be any way to put back the pieces, because we will by then have successfully blown up everything into proverbial smithereens! And, just about everyone knows that once everything is blown up into smithereens – we have come to the end of the great redemption pool. And, believe me, there won’t be any last-minute “save their asses” miracle that will allow us to undo the error!

Also, I don’t really mind that I can’t let on about this information. Or, that maybe this information is actually the thing in my life that will give me the kind of power – financially and socially, that has continued to be just out of reach most of this current life span. Curious word, span. When it comes to part of the structural framework of a plain, ordinary not truly worth mentioning bridge over some plain ordinary not truly worth mentioning river; a bridge is a fine thing upbraided by every one of the citizenry, even the malcontents. But, stray, even finely, from that very precise line of reasoning, not by miles, or yards, or even by feet, mind you, but stray from that line just one iota (another curious word; I will try to use it again, later) As I was saying, stray just one iota from the use of a span in the construction of an ordinary bridge over some ordinary river; And there is hell to pay!

You see, as long as you stay somewhat near (it is always curious that the mental wellbeing of a culture appears to be tied so directly – even proportionately tied – to the current version of just who is mad, and who is not mad. But the lines do seem to get closer each time and that is another part of the problem. But an altogether different story and my publisher is not willing for me to cover all of the material here in this prologue, or even in this book. So, I am self-publishing and you will just have to be patient with me while I get the hang of it. It will all work out in the long run as I hope to find a way to get you the information in the most painless way possible.

Again, back to the point I am making here. I will pose it as a question since writing this thing was meant to get me the professorship I coveted for the longest time; and, as you may or may not know, they like it when the professor they hire is real good at asking questions of the students – has something to do with the Socratic method  – something called, let me think, let me think, sounds like “divination”. No, that’s not it, you know that name that Plato gave to Socrates to use so that he could ask questions so well. Oh well, Forget-about-it! That is REALLY quite another story, and I don’t fell like telling it again, anyway.  Oops, after all that, I just remembered the word I was looking for that describes the Socratic method of discourse and teaching; the Dialectic.

So I ask you: What kind of infernal, lame-brained nincompoop would divulge to the world – that same world that one has already found teetering blindly between sheer madness and utter sublimity – anyway, it scares the shit out of me on a regular basis. So, what kind of an idiot who saw all the writing on the wall would then go ahead and give this same world that very information which at the very least will turn the planet into something not even insects could live on; but in addition, would probably herald that great day when some asshole who is very, very pissed off and very much more rich than he has any business to be; uses this information to completely unravel the essential frame and framework of the entire universe just because he can’t get some gorgeous supermodel to suck him off, or worse, just because he is showing off to his new bff’s.

As you might have guessed by now, (kudos to you if you have, what’s your major malfunction if you haven’t) this new information will lead to vast abundant sources of personal and global energy, replace all current forms of energy fuels, and lead to the complete unraveling of this entire business concerning worm holes, time travel, and perpetual motion.

Obviously, this information is big, BIG stuff. Even a small sprinkling is likely to be enough to cause some world leader to think rather unkind and unforgiving thoughts about an innocent neighbor who just wants to bring in the cows and harvest the grain. But, when you think about it; isn’t that the way it has always been. Some blowhard, or some prick with too small a prick and a very non-accommodating lover; figures out some way to completely enslave and pillage a much less aggressive and possibly kind and generous neighbor, and so on, and so on, and so on.

So you can see, this is a very ponderous issue and is not easily resolved. Meantime, all kinds of things that are bad for us and our planet go on happening because we are still stuck with some very outdated thinking about energy,
matter, and their origin, form, and use.

And, it’s not like I haven’t done a lot of thinking about this, either. It’s just that I figured some time ago that I might be that one last guy who doesn’t sell out. It’s gotten to be some kind of a high ethical issue. But, it has very severe
practical ramifications for both myself and everyone else – on both sides. (By the way for those assholes out there who have nothing better to do but question everything so long that very little of anything new on the planet has any chance of ever getting into the hands of the common folk such as myself; you the reader, and everyone that we both know, and then some.)

But, for those jerks who seem to exist simply to deny the possibility that IT IS POSSIBLE for every human being, everywhere to have the highest quality of life, as they wish their life to be. (Some folks say that this whole thing about terrorism is based upon the US and its leaders having some overblown sense of righteous “giving them what they want”. Which is an attitude that isn’t all bad, but mostly it gets converted somewhere between the ballot box and foreign policy such that “give them what they want”, becomes: “give them what they want whether they want it or not – better yet; even if they don’t know that what we are going to give them is what they want, give it to them anyway whether they want it or NOT”!

Anyhow, in case you are one of those people reading this:




You will be sorry if you do, and the rest of us will be even sorrier yet!

But for the rest of you – you know, the one’s of us who can be trusted with the key to the whole shootin’ match; are you ready? (By the way if you are the other type – the one’s who have no business at all reading this and you are still here reading this: Fuck you!)

Well, it turns out that I’m not.

Ready, that is.

Well, not completely ready.

If I were, you probably would have already heard the rest of the story and funny thing about people; once you give them the “goods” they rarely, if ever, will do any of the background work to find out who gave them the information and who he had to paid off to get that aforementioned information.

Since I am not quite ready, but do feel a certain sense of responsibility for holding your attention through all of the above; I will give you a “taste” of what is to come.

Albert Einstein wasn’t wrong; he was simply looking in the wrong place.

Actually, and put more finely, he was looking at the wrong stuff.

As it turns out, old Albert never finished his life’s work. Oh, he was completely satisfied with his articulation of the Theory of Relativity, especially the much more complex, unifying, and comprehensive General Theory of Relativity; but he fell short of devising, or divining (if you will), what he called the Unified Field Theory. A theory which he believed would transport our knowledge as far along from Relativity, as quantum mechanics has propelled us past the cause and effect physics of Sir Isaac. A theory, again which Albert believed – there is actually quite a bit of controversy about this Unified Field Theory thing. It turns out that there are some folks who say the UFS has already been articulated, laid-down, written about. And, these same folks also admit to its shortcomings. Others say that the UFS cannot be articulated and even if it were; it wouldn’t deliver what Albert said it would.

Trouble is, Albert didn’t realize – here’s the hint. . .wait for it – Albert never quite understood how to put human consciousness, intentionality specifically, into a mathematical formula.

Well, I have actually said a bit more about this than I had intended. But, to find out where this thing is going. (If you are reading this it means that either you are one of my family members doing me the kind gesture of looking at just one more of my “artistic” creations; or I haven’t yet revealed the key. In which case, you are just going to have to read to the end of this thing because that’s the only way you are ever going to have any real hope in getting this information. Albert always said he did not understand why he had been picked to give the world Relativity. Same holds for me. Didn’t ask for it; would rather not have it, but it appears that I do not get to vote on this.

In either case, (whatever group you might belong to) thank you for staying with me this far in the story, and stay tuned for what will come.

Joe Thoroughgood

May 21, 2011 (Doomsday)

May 21, 2011 Leave a comment

If your still around after 6:00 PM today (is that 6:00 PM EDT, or CDT, or PDT, or GMT?), you might check out how it all went down. . .

And oh, by the way, does anyone know if Rev Camping allowed for the almost 5 month skew in the modern calendar when Pope Gregory XIII decreed that all of Christendom must adopt his new calendar in 1582?!

In case you are curious, popular Doomsday scenarios can be found in the article below. . .(Intended for semi-mature audiences.)

Incidentally, if you are one of those folks who wants something more real to do than sitting around on your dukas waiting to ascend, today is “National Take A Walk in the Woods Day”.


Ranking The 10 End-Of-The-Human-Race Scenarios

“Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together…mass hysteria!”  Dr Venkman, Ghostbusters

The Rapture is scheduled for tomorrow [today], and this is roughly the 17th time in my life that all of us were supposed to die according to some kind of vague, medieval prediction. All of these Rapture predictions, of course, are born of hubris. Everyone wants to believe that they will be alive during the most momentous events in human existence namely, the end of the world and first contact with space aliens. Everyone wants to be a witness to something completely beyond their grasp. That’s why you have retards telling you that God is coming for the Big Payback, and why other yahoos go around telling you they got the ol’ tractor-beam-and-anal-probe combo platter.

No one wants to believe the historical events of their lifespan will prove insignificant in the long run. But the truth, of course, is that your lifetime represents such an miniscule portion of the history of both the Earth and of the human race that it’s hard to believe you’ll have the good (or bad) fortune to be around for that PRECISE moment when everything goes to shit, or when a giant alien spacelog hovers around the Earth and demands that Captain Kirk travel back in time to go find some whales to shoot the shit with.

This is why Rapture predictions are so comically wrong. But it also explains why people are drawn to them. On the surface, I enjoy making fun of Rapture idiots as much as the next person. Ha ha, you’ll lose your clothes… whatever. But, deep down, I also secretly wonder to myself if perhaps, this time, they’re RIGHT. Ninety-nine percent of my brain knows it’s bullshit (LEGIT 99%). The other one percent is busy packing, secretly praying it all comes true because who the fuck wouldn’t want to see how it all ended? I know I would.

The question is… what would be the BEST way for all of us to go out? Let’s assume the actual Rapture happens on Saturday and you, fair Deadspin reader, don’t make it onto God’s guest list, because God is an exclusionary prick like that. Here, according to a completely random website, is what will happen:

After The Rapture, God will begin executing judgments against unbelievers, during a period called the Tribulation. At the end of the Tribulation all nations will attack Israel, and Jesus Christ will physically return, leading the armies of heaven. At the Battle of Armeggedon [sic] they will destroy everyone who is not a believer. Then Satan will be bound, and Jesus will set up the Millennial Kingdom, headquartered in Jerusalem. Jesus and the saints will rule over the nations of the Earth for a thousand years. During this period there will be people born who are not loyal to Christ. However, it usually will not be obvious. Therefore, at the end of the thousand-year period, God will release Satan and let him tempt those who inhabit the Earth. A large group will take up arms against the Lord and be defeated. Then, Christ will judge all who have ever lived, giving rewards to some and punishment to others. Those who were “destroyed” will be cast into the Lake of Fire, i.e., Hell. After that, God will destroy heaven and Earth because they have been polluted by sin. He will create a new heaven and a new Earth, put those who were saved on the new Earth, and rule it forever.

So the Rapture, actually, isn’t a real end-of-the-world scenario. It’s more of a horrible ethnic cleansing scenario, where the Earth sticks around but you don’t because you diddled yourself to Kiss’s “Reason to Live” video. However, imagine Jesus personally returning to Earth and killing YOU! Yes, you! I have to say, if I’m gonna die at the hands of a bloodthirsty killer, I think having Jesus be that bloodthirsty killer would be AMAZING, if only for the irony.

But the above scenario is strictly a product of Christian dogma. There are other ways the world could end. Some fanciful. Some quite real. If you HAD to suffer through the end times, what would be coolest way to go out? I’d like to take a moment to rank the possibilities:

1. Alien Invasion
This is the best scenario because you get to experience both Armageddon and first contact. As I’ve noted before in the Funbag, not a day goes by when I don’t look out my window and hope to see a giant fucking alien spaceship engulfing the sky, with little tiny individual spaceships orbiting around it. Then they start firing lasers and shit and sucking out our blood with their big vagina-mouths and we all die. As much as I would enjoy seeing the miraculous Second Coming of murderer Jesus, I say aliens are more exciting. It would be terrifying to be eaten by an alien. But somewhere in the middle of the disembowelment, I bet I’d secretly be saying to myself HOLY SHIT! I CAN’T BELIEVE AN ALIEN IS EATING ME! COOL!

2. Zombie Apocalypse
The dead rise, walk the Earth, and one bite turns you into one of them. Eventually, everyone gets converted and the living are wiped out entirely. The dead then roam the Earth forever, in search of fresh brains they’ll never find. Sounds unpleasant. HOWEVER, you would hopefully get to kill at least one zombie before you were finally overtaken. And how many years of your life would you trade in for the right to kill just one zombie? I think I’d trade a year. If someone went up to me and said, “Hey fatty, you’re gonna live till you’re 66. But you can kill a zombie if you let us cut it down to 65,” I’m all in.

3. Asteroid
The nice thing about an interplanetary collision is that we’d probably get a bit of advance notice. So you could have some time to say goodbye. You could say goodbye to your kids. You could ask the wife for sex one last time. You could try heroin. It’s not like a zombie apocalypse, where the zombies just come out without warning and then BAM! You’re fucked. This is a bit more elegant. Plus, I’m assuming that President Morgan Freeman would deem me cool enough to be included in the government’s secret space station reserved for the 100 most important Americans, who will be counted on to find a new home and have lots of sexy space sex.

4. Rapture
Okay, seeing Jesus in the flesh and seeing Satan in the flesh would be pretty exhilarating. NO ONE DENIES THIS.

5. Nuclear War
The scary thing about nuclear war, of course, is that it just takes one bomb to set it all in motion. And that seems inevitable at some point. Someone will blow up a suitcase nuke, and the resulting barrage will end up killing us all. If I die in a nuclear holocaust, I better die QUICKLY. I don’t want to be one of those people that hangs around in the fallout zone and sprouts five ears on his head as a result of radiation poisoning. They showed pictures of a Chernobyl kid in Newsweek the other week and the kid had a head shaped like a mushroom and a left leg that had four different hinge joints. It was unpleasant to look at. I’ll take sudden obliteration, thank you very much. That way, I can avoid both radiation poisoning and the profound regret I’d feel as being part of the generation that ended human existence. “I can’t believe we let it get this far! I BLAME ROGER GOODELL!”

6. Massive Worldwide Earthquake
I think I’d rather see everything blow up in a nuclear war, than see it all reduced to rubble. Plus, I live in great fear of walking into a spontaneously formed crevasse in the Earth. I fear crevasses. Very dark, and awfully deep.

7. Spontaneous Worldwide Volcano Eruptions
And not just known volcanoes. I’m talking random hilltops in your neighborhood EXPLODING with red hot lava that ends up swallowing you up and burning you to a crisp. Painful? YOU BET! Cool to watch until the fire gets to your feet and begins destroying your nerve cells? Oh yes.

8. 100-Year Flood
And that’s what watching The Killing more or less feels like. We get it. You’re in Seattle. You don’t need to hammer that point home so relentlessly. NOW TELL ME WHO KILLED ROSIE, DAMMIT.

9. Various Environmental Factors
Not only would it suck to see humanity killed by the Greenhouse Effect or by the polar ice caps melting and making the planet uninhabitable, but then I’d have to spend my remaining days guilt-tripped by the Tom Friedmans of the world about what a prick I was for using air conditioning. Fuck you. I like a frosty TV room.

10. Plague
This does not include any kind of zombie plague, where you get to kill zombies. This is just plain old SARS or bird flu or something boring that like, where you get sick and then you fucking die. Of all the endgame scenarios, I find this one among the least desirable. It’s just so bland and predictable. Unless the disease in question is VAMPIRIC NYMPHOMANIA. Then I might adjust my ratings a bit.

I’m sure I missed out on a few other scenarios. By all means, bring them up in the comment section. And enjoy the end of the world.

[Reprinted from Deadspin, Drew Magery Copyright 2011]

The Draw of Doomsday: Why People Look Forward to the End

May 18, 2011 Leave a comment
[CREDIT: © Stephanie Pappas, LiveScience]
Doomsdayers have many ideas about when and how the world will end.
CREDIT: © Marijus Auruskevicius |

Most people go through their daily lives assuming that tomorrow will be a lot like today. No pits of fire will open up, society won’t collapse, and the world, most likely, won’t end.

But for others, doom has a certain appeal.

The most famous example these days is Harold Camping, a California-based Christian radio broadcaster who believes that May 21, 2011, will mark Judgment Day, ushering in five months of torment for the unsaved until the universe finally ends on Oct. 21.  Camping has bought billboards and dispatched caravans of believers around the country, warning the world of its fate. [Infographic: A Brief History of Doomsday] Camping has made this prediction before, in 1994 — it didn’t pan out — but the thousands of failed doomsday predictions throughout history are no match for what Lorenzo DiTommaso, a professor of religion at Concordia University in Montreal, calls the “apocalyptic world view.”

“It’s a very persistent and potent way of understanding the world,” DiTommaso told LiveScience.

Problem-solving through doomsday

According to DiTommaso, the apocalyptic worldview isn’t uncommon. At the extreme end are people like Camping or Aum Shinrikyo, a Japanese doomsday cult that carried out sarin gas attacks on the Tokyo subway in 1995. But doomsday appeals to the secular and well-adjusted as well, through books such as Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road” (Knopf, 2006) and movies like “The Terminator” (1984). Meanwhile, economic hard times and crises likeJapan’s earthquake and tsunami have spiked interested in survivalism and “prepping,” or stashing food and supplies in preparation for a coming collapse.

Apocalpytic beliefs have been on rise for the past 40 to 50 years, said DiTommaso, who has been researching doomsday believers for an upcoming book, “The Architecture of Apocalypticism.” What ties these disparate groups together is a sense that the world’s problems are too big to solve, DiTommaso said.

“Problems have become so big, with no solutions in sight, that we no longer see ourselves able as human beings to solve these problems,” DiTommaso said. “From a biblical point of view, God is going to solve them. From other points of view, there has to be some sort of catastrophe.”

The apocalyptic worldview springs from a desire to reconcile two conflicting beliefs.

“The first is that there is something dreadfully wrong with the world of human existence today,” he said. “On the other hand, there is a sense that there is a higher good or some purpose for existence, a hope for a better future.”

Viewing the world as a flawed place headed toward some sort of cosmic correction reconciles these two beliefs, DiTommaso said.

And because believers are certain that their sacred text can never be wrong, failed doomsday predictions only convince them that their own interpretations were flawed, opening the door to new predictions. Historically, those who have predicted doomsday, including the early Christians, have been persecuted and oppressed, so the prospect of a final judgment is comforting, DiTomasso said.

“Despite fire, death and destruction, the god of apocalypticism is a god of order, not chaos,” DiTomasso said. “That’s the reassurance.”

TEOTWAWKI, and they feel fine

To be reassured, however, an end-of-world Jane has to expect doomsday to come soon — and has to expect to survive. Religious believers usually expect that they’ll be among those saved from the torments of an ending world. Secular doomsday-fearers, on the other hand, expect to fight for their survival.

“We stress being prepared,” said Jim Rawles, the proprietor of, an online clearinghouse of advice on survivalism and preparation. Rawles, who gives his location only as “west of the Rockies,” has been involved in disaster preparedness since he was a teenager. In the 1960s, with nuclear attack fears running high, Rawles and his friends talked about preparedness a lot, he told LiveScience.

Rawles started SurvivalBlog in 2006. Since then, he said, his readership has shifted from mostly conservative Christians and Orthodox Jews to “Birkenstock-wearing, liberal greenie-types.” The Japanese earthquake and nuclear meltdown brought him more readers across the political spectrum, he said, and he now gets more than 260,000 unique visitors to his site each week.

Unlike Camping, Rawles and his readers aren’t preparing for the end of the world; they’re preparing for TEOTWAWKI, survivalist shorthand for “the end of the world as we know it.” The end might come in the form of an economic collapse, a giant solar flare, a nuclear attack or climate change, but the end goal is the same: to be ready for anything. [End of the World? Top Doomsday Fears]

“There’s a great deal of satisfaction in saying, ‘Oh boy, I’m ready when the bombs go off/the environment collapses/the Arabs invade/the magnetic poles reverse,'” said Richard Mitchell, an Oregon State University sociologist who spent years getting to know survivalists for his book “Dancing at Armageddon: Survivalism and Chaos in Modern Times” (University of Chicago Press, 2002).

Paranoid or prepared?

Survivalists have gotten a reputation as fringe-dwellers, Mitchell said, but viewing them as crazy is “totally incorrect.” For one thing, they’re everywhere: Mitchell described one man, a suburban engineer whose garage was filled floor-to-ceiling with detergents and hand wipes and toilet tissue. The man’s job specialty, Mitchell said, was water systems engineering, and his concern was a loss of sanitation after a disaster.

“He’s not some redneck, and he’s not violent,” Mitchell told LiveScience. “He wants to help keep everybody clean.”

People who are into survivalism and prepping enjoy telling stories about the world turning upside-down, Mitchell said. Society’s collapse is a challenge, and the reward is coming up with scenarios in which you survive.

“People will tell you five or six stories, totally different apocalyptic tales, and everybody will nod their head and say, ‘Yeah, that sounds right,'” Mitchell said. “Who cares? It’s the storytelling that matters.”

As do the life skills. To Rawles, prepping is a way of reaching back to his family’s pioneer roots, when gardening, canning and putting up food were standard procedures.

“Preparedness can in some ways be a lot of fun, because you’re learning some really interesting skills,” Rawles said. “And the sense of accomplishment where you can walk down to your basement and look at your pantry shelves and say, ‘Yep, I did that,’ you can feel good about that.”

That’s great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane –
Lenny Bruce is not afraid. Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn –
world serves its own needs, regardless of your own needs. Feed it up a knock,
speed, grunt no, strength no. Ladder structure clatter with fear of height,
down height. Wire in a fire, represent the seven games in a government for
hire and a combat site. Left her, wasn’t coming in a hurry with the furies
breathing down your neck. Team by team reporters baffled, trump, tethered
crop. Look at that low plane! Fine then. Uh oh, overflow, population,
common group, but it’ll do. Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its
own needs, listen to your heart bleed. Tell me with the rapture and the
reverent in the right – right. You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright
light, feeling pretty psyched.
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.
It’s The End of The World As We Know It, REM

Ask and You Shall Receive

May 17, 2011 Leave a comment

(This first appeared on the DailyOM, May 10, 2011)

Categories: Uncategorized

Somewhere Between Bertrand Russell and Joe Walsh

May 14, 2011 Leave a comment

Somewhere between Bertrand Russell’s, The ABC’s of Relativity and Joe Walsh’s,The Smoker You Drink The Player You Get; I realized that some things that had always been the same, were forever going to be different.

It’s not just the little things I am talking about here, either.

Nope. This is really BIG!

It occurred to me one very plain early spring afternoon (we were all happy about it being spring that year because winter had been a bitch and everyone was in the mood for some down and dirty partying – the kind you get when the weather starts turning warmer, the sun is shining, the birds and bugs are buzzing – everyone is buzzing.)

Anyway, it occurred to me that early spring day that the only thing that really mattered was whether or not I could get laid. Little did I know that getting laid carried with it such enormous possibilities and responsibilities?

Of course, this is exactly the kind of thing every normal, red-blooded American male thinks about when it is early spring. But, I was never the type to be to concerned about what everyone else was doing or thinking – I always find myself much to pre-occupied with what I am doing and thinking.

In any case, there it was: Inevitable evidence that you just can’t ignore. 

Right there in front of me. 

All that I had to do was to take one more step and enter the doorway, and everything was going to be just fine. Or, was it?!

At about the same time that I was thinking about all of this, across the street and directly in front of this old grey building which had been built in some old, forgotten time around the turn of the last century – (Isn’t it a bitch when you can’t use that phrase, “turn of the last century”. It happens whenever we get to close to the start, or just past the start of a new century. When this happens, you can no longer use the phrase, “turn of the last century” because what you probably mean is now TWO centuries ago, not just a couple of years ago. The whole thing loses its cuteness and the phrase is rendered useless.)  – there across the street and right in front of me, was the most beautiful, delectable young thing I had ever put my eyes on. We are talking world-class beauty here!

This girl had everything: the body, the face, the eyes, the mouth, the tits, the legs, the hair; everything. 

So I did what every other healthy, hungry male would do; I walked across the street and asked her if she was going my way. (Well, shit; it worked in a movie once, so I figured, “What the hell!”) Anyway, it worked. She told me – in a voice that could melt ice age glaciers – that she was going to the library and did I like the day we were having. Never being one to dally when the offer is made; I suggested we get something to eat – it was around lunchtime, anyway – and I hadn’t eaten since much earlier in the day. She said that was a good idea and where did I want to go. 

Well, the only place I wanted to go just then was directly home with her and perform every possible conceivable sexual activity (and then some) that I could come up with. But, being the consummate gentleman (or coward), I suggested the local diner and we headed off in that direction.

As we were on our way to lunch, she stopped suddenly, looked me straight in the eyes; and without so much as a quick introduction asked me if I believed in UFOs. 

I am not easily thrown off. But, I have to admit her question got to me. 

You gotta get a historical reference on this. 

We are talking here about sometime prior to 1980 and back then, having a question of this kind thrown at you was out and out disconcerting if not actually rude. Nobody, but nobody was talking about UFOs back then. Even the government was doing a good job of keeping everything secret about wandering aliens and such.

Anyhow, there she was with this sort of quizzical look on her face; waiting for me to proffer an answer.

 I didn’t have one.

Well, it’s not that I didn’t know whether or not aliens existed or whether or not if they existed whether or not they had flying machines capable of visiting us homo sapiens; rather, it was just that taken that way, without a moment to think about it, well, how would you answer? 

You need to remember the situation before you just pop off with some convenient answer. 

Here I am with possibly the most beautiful, beguiling woman I had ever laid eyes on and at that very moment, whatever may or may not happen next with her seemed to depend on my giving some kind of a “good” answer.

So, I did the next best thing. I asked her a question back.

“What makes you wonder that”? I asked.

Her response did not make a lot of sense. But, it took a long time for her to answer that one and she was still answering it as we were about to leave the Diner after we had both finished eating our lunches. I had pancakes, she had a club sandwich. She didn’t eat the pickle, but she said she had especially enjoyed the French fries. Weird thing about that, though, she couldn’t seem to remember what the damn things were called and insisted on calling them potato skids, or something. But then, who am I to say anything about that. Lots of people have something going on about the French.

But this is about what happened next with Jenny.

Actually, her name was Jennifer, and as I recall; she didn’t like me using the name Jenny. But, I am writing the story and I she looked more to me like a Jenny than a Jennifer. (Though it does occur to me that maybe someday, maybe somewhere she will write her own version of what happened and only God knows what she will call me!)

It turns out that Jenny was all but consumed with this UFO thing. Right after she asked me if I believed in them and almost before I could answer back with my own question; she launched into what in some circles would be called a diatribe about little green guys from some other place. Now a delightful tale of some fairy tale creatures might have made for interesting foreplay – if that was where we were headed – but, she went on and on and on about these guys!

I don’t remember if we ever got to the library that day, or the next. It turns out that I spent a couple of days with Jenny. And, when we weren’t fucking each other’s brains out, she was going on and on about how she had met up with these guys who said they were from Betelgeuse or some such place and that they had related to her some really important information about atomic structure, quantum mechanics, and consciousness or some such thing just because she helped them out and offered them some water because they looked thirsty.

I might have been a little leery about the kind of stuff she was talking about if I hadn’t just completed my graduate studies in some weird comparative anatomy sort of thing which doesn’t lead to med school or anything else very practical that you can use to make a living; but they don’t tell you that until a long time after you have bellied up, paid all of your tuition and expenses, and been awarded your meaningless diploma. 

As it turns out, I did have one interesting graduate seminar that had something to do with genetics and chromosomes and the god forsaken double helix thing; and I remembered just enough to realize that the stuff Jenny was talking about fit right in there with the rest of that nonsense.

Anyhow, she left after a couple of days saying that she had some traveling to do, although she wouldn’t tell me where she was going. By the way, at the time I thought maybe she was talking about the kind of traveling you do when you have ingested a little bit of those chemicals that cause a certain type of interim malady; but since I have never seen her again, I guess her traveling became a lot more extensive than she had planned, or at least a lot further afield.

Jenny left me with some notes and drawings and it occurs to me from time to time that I should maybe get this stuff into the hands of someone who might know what gems of great learning and discovery they actually contain. But, the same dilemma is right there no matter which way you approach this stuff. That is, do you divulge information that might be really, really important? 

Or, in my case, do you let on about some stuff that you have in your possession that might end up getting you 10 years to life in some place where they make you wear a loose fitting sheet with head and arm holes and make you take a yummy little drug that makes you wake wondering if you might not have gone to sleep yet and what does that matter when you are not sure who you might be today or even if you care to find out?

I will leave you with this.

From what I can make out of the stuff Jenny left behind there seems to be a completely different way of telling who is what and what is who. It all seems to have to do with holography, consciousness, and matter. But, as with all information of this kind, you never know who might be listening.

And that is all that I have to say about that!

From The Continuing Adventures of Joe Thoroughgood by Robert Eugene Miller

Do You Support the Fair Tax?

May 13, 2011 Leave a comment